


When He Left

by deanwinchestr



Category: In The Flesh
Genre: #siren #ficlet #one shot #suicidal, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 17:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2630141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanwinchestr/pseuds/deanwinchestr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Simon leaves shortly after Amy's death, Kieren doesn't really know how to cope with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When He Left

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little ficlet i quickly wrote in the 'notes' app on my phone. Definitely some grammar mess ups and could use some rewording, but some friends told me i shoukd post it on here so, why not??? 
> 
> (((suicidal thoughts trigger warning)))

Kieren sat in his bedroom blankly staring up at the ceiling, no one next to him to hold his hand or hug him. He needed that right about now. It's been a while since he'd seen Simon. Although he said he would stay in Roarton, which he did for a good week, and then he was gone. Just like before. The power to disappear. Kieren never liked it, when people disappear just like that without a word. He didn't know why Simon had gone or where to, and there was no Amy anymore to force him on giddy day trips. 

He wondered why Simon had gone. He hadn't been acting strangely, besides the obvious slight depression... considering. Then again, they were both that way, and they made one another happy to make up for the emptiness. So, why would he just leave? Did Simon not care for Kieren as much as he cared for him? Then again, Kieren thought, he had jumped in front of a bullet to save him. Fuck it, he stood up and walked over to his desk cluttered with recent sketches and paintings. He decided to do what he had always done when he wasn't sure what else to do. He grabbed a spare sheet of blank paper and a pencil and started to draw.

Light shone through the window and into Kieren's eyes as he woke up later in the day. He shut them tightly before the sun could hurt him, forgetting that he couldn't feel pain. Reflexes, they always got to him. Looking down, he saw his head was resting on a pile of messy doodles, all of the same person..., Simon. Shit, Kieren thought to himself, fucking shit. He bent his head down let it sink into his lap, groaning out of anger towards himself. Why did he always do this? Always missed people too much. The memory of Rick flashed in his mind, making him wince. They were so similar, Simon and Rick, and yet nothing alike. Rick being insecure and unsure of who he was and what he wanted while Simon knew quite easily he wanted, and what he wanted was Kieren. Or, so Kieren thought. Was it really what he wanted? He needed to stop, needed to stop all of this. The over analyzing. the thinking, the missing. The missing was the worst part, because when he needed someone to hug because he was sad, that person was nowhere to be seen. Kieren started to contemplate it again. That horrible thing he'd done that got him to be undead in the first place. I could just do it again, he thought, I remember how it felt the first time... relief. God, he needed that right about now. But no, no he couldn't, Simon would be back any day now with a perfectly reasonable excuse as to why he'd disappeared. Any day now, Kieren thought, any day. 

As days passed by, 'any day' lead to 'maybe soon', which lead to 'probably not', which lead to wondering if Simon was okay,... or even alive.   
"Kier, you alright?" Jem said, her head poking through the kitchen doorway. Kieren looked up from his lap to give Jem a weak smile.  
"Yeah, just fine, Jem." He tried to widen his smile but he felt that if he did, his face would crack in two. She gave him a sympathetic smile and disappeared back into the kitchen. Kieren stayed, looking at the now empty spot where his sister just was and felt his stomach sink. He abruptly got up and ran up to his bedroom, apparently causing a ruckus, since he heard Jem yell his name before he slammed his door. Kieren let himself slide down the door and onto the floor, not know what else to do. He looked to the ceiling in attempt to not cry. He couldn't cry, no, he knew what crying would lead to. Just like the first time, it would lead to anger, which lead to more crying and then-   
"KIEREN, WHAT THE HELL. OPEN UP." Jem yelled while banging on his bedroom door.   
"Leave me alone, Jem." He said, blankly.  
"What the hell's wrong, Kier?... Is it because of.. him. Because he hasn't showed up any time soon?  
"C'mon Kier, say something, please. I don't want this happening to you again." Jem said, a hiccuped sob interrupting the last word. Kieren clutched the doorframe. Have what happen to him again? What did she know about him? She wasn't even there the first time... she didn't care!  
"wOULD YOU JUST SHUTTUP AND LEAVE. ME. ALONE." He yelled, banging on the doorway. There was no response after that, just footsteps running down the hall intertwined with frightened sobs. Kieren felt bad for scaring his sister and pushing her away, but he didn't want anyones help, he didn't need it. He was fine. Just fine. He looked back at the numerous scribbles of Simon on his desk. What was he saying, of course he wasn't fine. He was so so far from fine. Just the thought of Simon now made him upset. Kieren couldn't help it anymore tears started to stream down his face, so much so he thought he would create puddles in his room. The thought 'maybe that would drown me' flashed in his mind. His breathing got heavy as he ran over to his desk and flung the papers off, ripping and tearing at the ones of Simon.   
'You're incredible, Kieren.'   
'There's what I believe, and then there's you.'   
"Shut up." Kieren mumbled to Simons voice echoing in his mind.  
The first time they kissed, when he was nervous to meet his family,... when he comforted him after Amy's death. All these moments flashed through Kieren's mind in the midst of his destruction to his artwork.   
"SHUT UP." Kieren yelled, not caring who heard. He dropped down to his knees and buried his head in his hands."I thought you /needed/ me.." He whispered, as if Simon were there next to him. "Thought you loved me." He simply couldn't take it anymore. It could be over so easily, just like before. Relief. Kieren had died, he wasn't meant to come back, he was meant to stay right where he was, buried in the ground... Hopefully they'd cremate him this time, like he had asked for. 

Kieren silently walked to his sister's bedroom, where he knew she kept her colt, just in case. She didn't use it at all anymore, but she always found safety with it, so she kept it in the back of her closet, in case of an emergency. He quickly checked if she was in there and when she wasn't he dug through her closet, grabbed the colt, and shut himself back in his room.

Kieren stared at the colt in his lap, his hands slightly shaking while hovering over it. He gulped, trying to get rid of the giant knot he felt in his throat. Maybe Simon was fine, he thought. But even if her was, he hadn't come back to see if Kieren was fine, which he wasn't. Kieren squeezed his eyes shut in attempt to rid his mind of the thoughts. He took the colt in his hand and steadied his breathing. It would be over soon.   
-  
Simon stopped the car in front of a house he'd been in quite a few times, Kieren's house. He gripped the wheel tightly, once again second guessing if he should even see Kieren again. Surely he hated him, but the worst the could happen is he wouldn't be forgiven. Then again, that would be quite bad. No, he had to do it, it'd been bugging him for too long. He turned his head to look at the door. He looked down the street he and Kieren had walked on the first time he'd gone over his house. A smile tugged at his lips at the memory, remembering it like it was yesterday. His eyes wandered from the sidewalk and up the drive way, landing back on the door. They flickered quickly to the window of Kieren's bedroom, where he'd spent many nights with him after Amy's death. He expected to see the blinds closed, per usual, but what he did see made his face drop and practically made his stomach sink, if it could. Kieren was sitting on his bed, alone, with a gun in his hand. Simon knew exactly what his intentions were with that gun, and he couldn't let that happen. His hands fumbled for the door handle as he rushed out of his car, not bothering to lock it. He ran to the front door quickly slamming on it and ringing the doorbell all at once.   
"JESUS CHRIST, IM COMING FOR GOD SAKE-" Jem yelled, but stopped abruptly when she opened the door and saw who was causing all the noise. Simon didn't try to explain himself, but pushed pass Jem and ran up the stairs to Kieren's bedroom. He grabbed the door handle, but in an attempt to turn it, realized it was locked.  
"Go away, Jem." He heard Kieren's shaky voice say. Simon tried to say it was him, but a lump in his throat made it unable to get the words out, so he continued to jiggle the door handle. He heard Jem run upstairs behind him and shoved him aside from the door. Taking her foot, she broke open the door before Simon could say a word. Simon quickly clutched Jem's hand and squeezed it as a thank you before barging into Kieren's room. He was frozen stiff at what he saw, a broken looking Kieren about to hold a gun to his head.   
"K-Kieren," Was the only word Simon could manage to spit out, but it got Kieren to look up. When Kieren saw him, he dropped the gun right to the floor, his mouth hung open. "Kieren, Kieren, Kieren..." Simon repeated with his hands hovering over him, too afraid to even touch him. "It's- it's my fault." Simon said to himself. "Oh, god, it's my fault. I left... I left and didn't say anything, didn't come back, nothing I-" Simon croaked, holding back tears. "I'm so sorry, Kieren, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." He wouldn't stop repeating those three words until he knew Kieren believed him, which, he thought, would be never.  
"You're alive." He heard him say. Simon looked up, looking into Kieren's eyes for the first time. Before Simon could respond, Kieren leaned forward, pressing their lips together. Oh, how he'd missed this feeling, though incomplete without because he couldn't feel warmth, somehow Kieren made it complete. Simon placed his hands on Kieren's neck, finally touching him. When they pulled apart, Simon lightly kissed him on the forehead, then the cheek, then the other cheek, and then anywhere he could, unable to get enough of him. He started repeating "I'm so sorry," again until Kieren covered his mouth.   
"It's okay, it's okay." Kieren said, stroking Simon's cheek. Simon didn't exactly believe him, but he would do anything to make up for all he'd done wrong, in that moment, he was just glad to have Kieren in his arms again.


End file.
